


The First Step

by melapplesphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxious Phil Lester, Caring, Comfort, Depressed Dan Howell, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, One Shot, Romance, Short & Sweet, Tenderness, anxious phil briefly mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 20:12:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15758862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melapplesphan/pseuds/melapplesphan
Summary: “Dan’s been gone for almost twelve hours this time, Mum.”Dan accidentally overhears an emotional conversation between Phil and his mother that forces him to question how he's been dealing with his depression. Is he finally ready to take that first terrifying step toward healing?





	The First Step

**Author's Note:**

> My take on what finally prompts Dan to get help for his depression. It's angsty but hopeful. Grab some tissues before you start.
> 
> Enjoy!

**The First Step**

 

“Dan’s been gone for almost twelve hours this time, Mum.”

 

Dan stops at the top of the stairs on the main floor of their flat. He looks into the lounge in front of him, and while he can hear Phil’s voice emanating from the room, Phil must be sitting on the couch because Dan can’t see him.

 

He didn’t think Phil would still be awake, much less talking to his mother.

 

“Oh, love, I’m sure he’s fine. He probably just lost track of time.” 

  
Dan can hear Kath’s voice filtering through a laptop speaker, loud and just a bit fuzzy, which means Phil must be talking to her on Skype. Phil rarely Skypes with his mother, though; Kath prefers the simplicity of a regular phone call.

 

“He always loses track of time when he does this,” Phil responds, and there’s a tinge of bitterness in his voice. “And I’m sure he’s fine, but I just...I wish he wouldn’t leave his phone here.”

 

Dan hears a soft clatter: the sound of his cell phone hitting the coffee table.

 

He’d left it behind, as usual. He hates feeling tied down by it on days like this.

 

“I know, dear. I know,” Kath’s voice answers. There’s a soothing softness to her tone, and it hits Dan quite suddenly that he shouldn’t be listening to this. This is a conversation meant for a son and his mother, not the prying ears of a problematic boyfriend.

 

But before Dan can will his feet to move around the corner toward his room, Kath asks a question that brings everything to a screeching halt.

 

“What did you text Dan this time?”

 

Text him? Why would Phil text him when he knows he doesn’t have his phone on him? And what does she mean by “this time”?

 

“The usual stuff,” Phil responds. “ ‘I know you want to be alone right now, but can you please just let me know when you’re coming back?’ ‘What do you want for dinner?’ ‘I miss you, you spork.’ ‘I….’ ”

 

Dan should go. He knows he should go, but try as he might he can’t convince his feet to move.

 

“ ‘I love you. I’m worried about you. Please come home.’ Just...just the usual stuff, Mum. I deleted all of it already.”

 

Dan can hear the tears in Phil’s voice as it breaks, and he puts a hand up to his mouth to hide a gasp. The thought of Phil sitting at home - alone and worried, sending him texts he knows he’ll never see and then deleting them off Dan’s phone before he can read them - makes his stomach churn.

 

He needs to move.

 

He needs to get away from all of this. 

 

He needs to go.

 

Finally, Dan convinces his feet to move.

 

But they don’t move him back down the stairs and out of the flat like he thought they would.

 

Instead, they move him farther into the hallway and closer to the lounge.

 

Closer to Phil.

 

He stops just outside the entrance to the lounge, and he leans back against the wall as Kath speaks again.

 

“Philip, sweetie, I know you don’t want to hear this, but-”

 

“I’m tired, Mum.”

 

“I know, love. I know.”

 

_ Move feet. Move, dammit _ , Dan tells his traitorous limbs, but he can’t move. It feels like his feet are glued to the floor.

 

“I act like I’m fine when he does this,” Phil says quietly, and though his voice is barely above a whisper Dan can hear every word he says. “I wait up for him with a cup of tea and a blanket when it’s cold out, or a cold glass of Ribena when it’s hot, and sometimes I’ll go down to the bakery and buy him his favorite cookies. I’ll have one of his favorite video games ready to go, or I'll have one of our shows queued up on Netflix if he’s up for it, or I’ll...I’ll be ready to sleep by myself if he just wants to be alone. I don’t know if any of it helps him, but I...I have to do  _ something _ . I have to….”

 

Dan bites his lower lip, and he takes a step away from the lounge, closer toward the bedrooms. He needs to make a decision now. He needs to move down the hallway to his own room or turn the corner into the lounge. He either needs to hide from this or face this head on. He takes a long, deep breath, and he’s ready to move toward his bedroom when Phil speaks again.

 

“Mum, I feel so  _ helpless _ sometimes.” 

  
Dan stops in his tracks, mere steps away from Phil’s conversation, and he can’t stop himself from listening.

 

“I love Dan so much and I just want to be there for him, but I don’t know if anything I’m doing for him ever really helps, and I’m….and I’m  _ scared _ , Mum. He leaves for hours at a time without his phone and without telling me where he’s going, and I tell myself it’s going to be fine. I tell myself he just needs to be alone, and that he can take care of himself, and that he’ll come home when he’s ready. When he locks himself in his room for days on end and doesn't want to play video games and won't eat anything I act like everything’s fine. I give him space when he needs it or I'll cook him dinner and try to get him to eat. I give him a friendly ear and a shoulder to lean on and I tell myself I’m helping him because it makes me feel better but….”

 

Dan stands silently in the hallway, hand over his mouth to keep from making a sound, because hearing the pain in Phil’s voice is unbearable.

 

“I don’t know how much longer I can do this, Mum.”

 

Dan muffles a moan against his palm, and he swears he can feel his heart literally rip in two.

 

It’s the first thing he’s felt in nearly three days.

 

He knew his depression was affecting Phil, but he never knew just how bad it really was. 

 

Phil’s never said anything to him.

 

Phil’s never been anything but his rock.

 

Tears fall down Dan’s cheeks, and the sudden rush of emotion when he hasn’t felt anything in three days makes his legs weak.

 

“I know I could never leave him, but watching Dan go through all of this is…it's hard for me. I've never felt this helpless before. But none of this is his fault, and I don’t want to burden him with my feelings. He's dealing with enough as it is.”

 

Dan shakes his head.

 

He should’ve known better. Phil’s always tried to be strong for him. He should have  _ known _ that Phil would find a way to keep all of this buried. 

 

He should’ve known his boyfriend was hurting. 

 

God, how could he not have  _ seen _ this?

 

And that’s when it hits him: hard and fast, like a freight train crashing through the last wall of his denial.

 

_ I can’t deal with this anymore. _

 

It’s one thing for his depression to hurt him; it’s another thing entirely for it to hurt Phil.

 

“I understand that, dear,” Kath assures her son. “Believe me I do. But don’t you think Dan would want to know what you’re going through? Even if it...even if it hurts?”

 

“Maybe. I mean….”

 

Phil sighs, long and deep….

 

…and then he sobs.

 

“ _ Yeah _ . Yeah, Mum, he would. I know he would.”

 

Phil’s crying outright now, and Dan can’t bear it anymore.

 

He wraps his arms around his chest, willing himself to be strong, and he steps around the corner into the lounge.

 

“ _ Phil?” _ he says, and when his voice breaks on his boyfriend’s name he feels like he could kick himself.

 

Phil looks up at him, eyes wide with surprise, and Dan can just make out the tears on his face before Phil turns away from him and swipes at his cheeks.

 

The sight makes Dan feel infinitely worse.

 

“Mum, I gotta go. Dan’s home,” Phil says, still wiping at his eyes, and Kath sighs with relief.

 

“All right, love. You give him my best, okay? And don’t forget you can call me anytime you need to, no matter how late it is.”

 

“I know, Mum.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you, too.”

 

Phil closes his laptop, ending the call, and he lets out a long, shaky sigh as he bows his head. He wipes at a few stray tears, sniffling quietly.

 

They both know there’s no point in Phil hiding his tears, or in either of them pretending that Dan didn’t just eavesdrop on a private, emotional conversation.

 

Phil asks the question anyway, unwilling to look up at him.

 

“How much did you hear?”

 

“Enough,” Dan answers. “I’m sorry, Phil. I know I shouldn’t have listened to your conversation, but I….” His voice is trembling hard, and his hands start to shake as Phil finally looks up at him.

 

“Dan, I should’ve said something,” Phil admits, wringing his hands nervously in his lap. “I shouldn’t have kept this from you. I should’ve-”

 

“I can’t do this anymore, Phil,” Dan whispers, just loudly enough that Phil can hear him.

 

Phil watches him silently, eyes wide with fear and uncertainty. When he stands up from the couch and takes a small step toward him, Dan continues.

 

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep hoping it’ll just go away, or telling myself to just deal with it. I can’t...not when I know what it’s doing to you.”

 

“Dan, this isn’t about me,” Phil says.

 

“But it  _ is _ about you, Phil,” Dan insists, holding his hands out in front of him and gesturing between the two of them. “It’s about  _ both _ of us, isn’t it? If we...if we’re in this together than it  _ has _ to be.”

 

Phil takes another step toward him, and when Dan doesn’t move away Phil takes another.

 

“Yeah,” Phil agrees. “Yeah, I think it does.”

 

“I’m sorry, Phil. I’m so sorry,” Dan gasps, and he feels too ashamed to look Phil in the eyes so he buries his head in his hands instead.

 

“Don’t apologize, Dan. You don’t have to-”   
  


“I should have  _ known _ ,” Dan moans, moving his hands away from his face and around to the back of his neck instead, but he still can’t look his best friend in the eye. “I should’ve...I should’ve seen what this was doing to you - what  _ I  _ was doing to you - but I was so caught up in my own shit I never realized-”

 

“Dan, stop it.  _ Please _ .”

 

He’s standing right in front of Dan now, close enough that he could reach out and touch him.

 

And he does.

 

He reaches out and grabs Dan’s hands, pulling them away from his neck, and Dan lets him. When Phil intertwines their fingers and squeezes his hands tightly, Dan squeezes back, taking strength from the simple gesture.

 

And the dam finally breaks.

 

The last bit of Dan’s denial and doubt shake loose.

 

He knows he can’t deal with this anymore. 

 

But he also knows he can’t do it alone.

 

“I need help, Phil.” He whispers the words softly, so softly he’s not sure Phil can even hear them, so he says them again, louder this time. “I need help. I don’t wanna be like this anymore.”

 

“Okay,” Phil says, rubbing his fingers along the back of Dan’s hands. “Okay.”

 

_ “Phil,”  _ Dan whimpers, and he feels his legs give out from under him, but Phil’s ready to catch him. Strong arms grab onto his shoulders, and they fall to the ground slowly.

 

Together. 

 

“I’m here, love. I’ve got you.”

 

Phil wraps his arms around Dan as Dan buries his head against Phil’s neck. He draws in a long, deep breath, taking in Phil’s familiar scent. As Phil starts running his hands gently along Dan’s back, Dan decides to let himself be vulnerable.

 

He decides to let it all go.

 

He finally decides to ask for help.

 

“Help me, Phil.  _ Please _ . I…I need you.”

 

“You have me, Dan. Always. I’ll be with you every step of the way. Whatever you need, however you need me. I’m glue, love. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Dan sobs, his whole body trembling as his heart swells with love for the man holding him close, and he thinks he should be terrified at the sheer weight of all of his emotions threatening to crush him, and he  _ is _ , at least a little bit. But more than that….

 

...more than that he feels  _ hopeful _ .

 

Because if he can still feel this much, then that means there’s a chance for him.

 

When Phil kisses the top of Dan’s head and whispers the words “I love you” against his hair, Dan wraps his arms tightly around Phil and says them back.

 

And when Dan feels his head grow wet with Phil’s silent tears he doesn’t say anything.

 

He just holds Phil tighter in return.

 

* * *

 

Dan’s not sure how long they sit on the floor and hold each other. All he knows is that when they finally help each other to their feet they’re both sore and exhausted.

 

But they also feel better.

 

“Tomorrow,” Phil whispers, placing a gentle kiss against Dan’s forehead. 

 

Dan sighs, letting himself melt into Phil’s touch, and when Phil pulls away Dan nods.

 

“Tomorrow,” he agrees, gripping Phil’s hand and squeezing it tight.

 

It’s a promise.

 

A promise they both make to each other….

 

...and to themselves.

 

* * *

 

With Phil’s help, Dan seeks out the help he needs. 

 

And with Phil’s help, Dan starts to heal. 

 

It’s a long, slow process, filled with ups and downs….

 

...but mostly downs to start with.

 

Sleepless nights.

 

Days filled with mood swings and anxiety.

 

Bouts of nausea and vomiting.

 

Changes to both Dan’s mind and body.

 

But he doesn’t go through any of it alone.

 

Phil’s there to rub his back when the medication makes him sick.

 

He’s there to drop him off and pick him up from therapy.

 

He’s there to encourage Dan to eat better and stay active.

 

He’s there to help him through the days he feels like a zombie, and the days he feels angry, and the days he can’t stop crying.

 

He’s there to help him through the adjustments in his dosage and the havoc it wreaks on him both physically and mentally.

 

When Dan starts to feel self-conscious because the medication is making him gain weight, Phil kisses him and tells him he’s beautiful.

 

When Dan really wants to be left alone, Phil leaves him to his thoughts, but he doesn’t leave him for too long, and he never goes far.

 

Phil’s always there when Dan’s ready to come back to him.

 

* * *

It’s a long, slow process, filled with ups and downs….

 

...but in time, the ups begin to outweigh the downs.

 

With a combination of medication and therapy and self-care and the overwhelming support of Phil Lester, Dan starts to feel better.

 

It takes years of hard work and dedication, but Dan finally feels like he’s winning the battle.

 

And while it’s a battle he knows he’ll probably have to fight forever, Dan also feels like it’s a battle he’s able to fight….

 

...and a battle he deserves to win.

 

Not just for Phil, and not just for their relationship….

 

...but for himself.

 

Because as Phil reminds him every day, “We’re fighting for  _ you _ , Dan...because you deserve to be happy.”

 

* * *

 

On the day he informs Phil that he’s ready to stop taking the medication, Dan tells him he never could’ve done this without him. Phil assures him that that’s not true, but Dan never really believes it.

  
“You’ve always been there for me, Phil,” Dan tells him quietly that evening. “I don’t think I can ever repay you for everything you’ve done for me.”

 

Phil just smiles, reaching up with one hand to brush a stray curl off Dan’s forehead, and Dan smiles back at him.

 

“You don’t owe me anything, Dan. Seeing you happy is all I could ever ask for.”

 

Dan kisses him long and hard, and he spends a good hour showing Phil his appreciation for that sentiment.

 

But as they lie in bed that night, Dan swears that he’ll find a way to repay Phil anyway.

 

A few months later, when Phil tells Dan he wants to get help for his anxiety, Dan gets his chance.

 

He helps Phil take his own first step….

 

...and every step after it, too.

 

_...the end... _

 

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are appreciated. Thanks for reading!
> 
> (link to Tumblr post: https://melapplesphan.tumblr.com/post/177252892565/the-first-step)


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